New Revelations… Recommitting to losing my Fluff

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Hi everyone,

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted last. I’ve started a new job. I am no longer working at home, which has caused me and my weight loss journey some serious problems. Since the last time I’ve posted, I’ve gained 13 pounds. I am recommitting to losing my weight again and finding the best solutions on managing my weight loss, in my new work environment. Everything that isn’t available in my home is now around me all the time. I spend more time in the car (traveling to and from work); I must sit/stand for long periods of time at my desk, during the week. So there’s not a lot of opportunities to walk and move around. The sit to stand desk does help a lot. Because I am running around a lot, I eat whatever I can get my hands on, which is more than likely not very healthy.

I’ve only recently found my stride at work. It took me awhile. My schedule is really crazy now. My lunches are gone and spent in my car, which is not ideal. I get home late, which means fast food/takeout or cooking late at night. Everything is crazy now. However, in the mist of this storm, I am clearing the trees. I did what I would have called, a few years ago, the UNTHINKABLE! I’ve enlisted a bunch of weight loss gurus, on getting my weight off, permanently. I have decided… get ready for it…to participate in the weight loss surgery program. I know, I know, I know! I am not yet sold on the surgery. I am however, committed to the process. In less than a week, I’ve gotten off 7.5/9 pounds (depending on whose scale I am on)! I am following the caloric suggested weight loss plan given to me.

Recently, I had a conversation with my daughter about the power of obesity aka Momma’s Fluff. FAT is a negative word in our home, but she affectionately refers to me as fluffy. She loves to snuggle, and now I know why… cause I am soft! LOL I am hoping to add that conversation to this blog post shortly. It was a  conversation about the power of obesity and death, or at least the best way I could have a conversation with a 5 year old.

I am not sold on the surgery, at all. After meeting with my new MD today, I am even less sure about the surgery. It’s really scary to me. I am really, really, really concerned about excess skin. When I look at myself now, I don’t see hate. I see me, who needs some modifications. LOL I am deeply concerned about looking at myself, after the results of the weight loss surgery, and not liking what I see. I not concerned about being tiny (well just a little bit), but I do not want skin hanging on me that looks vulgar and disgusting. Today, I’ll put on a bathing suit, when/if that happens, I’ll never be able to put on a bathing suit. What I want is slow and steady.

Today, I had hoped to identify a partnership, with my weight loss journey, and what I ‘felt’ was that it was an all or nothing deal. You need to do this ONLY. Except the ‘only’ was the Duodenal switch. That’s the surgery that AIN’T going to happen. I am not diabetic; my blood pressure was 118/73 today; no cholesterol issues at all; and I am NOT NOT NOT NOT looking for a quick fix. I couldn’t wrap my head around, being offered this surgery, when I was NOT interested in it at all. Accordingto the information I found, this surgery is generally offered as a last option, usually to very sick patients. I was also offered the Gastric Bypass, which I don’t want either. I don’t want any any of it, but I had been leaning towards the Gastric Sleeve. My new MD is not willing to have the conversation about the Lap Band or the Sleeve. So, on our very first meeting, we are at a stand still.

I believe that if I am going to have this surgery that it needs to be 80% me, and 20% surgery. If it is to be a tool, then allow it to be a tool, not a robot. I had hoped that when my new MD saw my refusal, fear, and disappointment that he would have said, okay let’s revisit this after 9 months, instead of six, while we help you work on getting as much weight off on your own. I felt he made a life changing decision for me, rather than I decide for myself. So as of now, I am completing the processes/steps required, but in my mind there is no weight loss surgery happening at this time. Starting tomorrow, I will look for another doctor and group to help me with this very challenging, DANGEROUS, life changing decision. This has to be my decision, 100%, because I am the only one living with the consequences and skin!

The duodenal switch is for rapid weight loss. It’s not what I want, but what my new MD wanted. He put me at 180-190 pounds, and almost a 200 pound loss. At my height, I just don’t think so. That’s very thin, and a ton of loose skin. He couldn’t understand or accept that I want to slow it down. He felt I should get the surgery that will quickly get me to my results, but that’s now what I want. That means the surgery that has been suggested is 80%, and I’ll participate in this journey only 20%. Where’s the learning in that? How do I have time to master this process? How do I have time to allow my skin not be so severely loose? How do I adopt a true, long term weight loss life, when everything is done for me? My last question: is this why so many people fail, with the weight loss surgery?

I don’t know what to think, except I do not like the options given to me today. The options just seemed so unfair.





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