Struggling a bit…

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Is it weird for me to say that I do not want to be thin? Is it weird to tell someone that is thin that I do not want to look like you? Although, they are perfectly beautiful, but too thin for me. I want to to remain curvy.. chunky? I need to lose a good 120 to 130 pounds. So, I am not talking a 50 pound loss. My doctor wants to go to far. I need help working on getting my weight under control and dropped, but I am want to do the work. I’ve loved myself for a long time, fat. So, self-esteem or many insecurities hasn’t plagued my life. My mental is struggling with what I would look like with a drastic weight loss surgery. My daughter has suggested the Duodenal Switch. It’s not happening.

Today, I will put on a bathing suit and strut my stuff. That surgery’s only purpose is to lose massive amount of weight, and pretty close to overnight! In my case that would mean a ton of loss skin. There’s no way. I don’t want to look at myself and hate myself. So, it isn’t just about being thin, but thin, with large patches of horrible hanging skin that I would need to stuff here and there, never wearing a bathing suit.

The problem is that I see the possibility of surgery as a weight reducer and aid… a tool, which is how it is to be used. I can’t buy a 20lb weight, and because it is a tool that aids in weight loss, and expect it to make me loss 200 pounds. That seems so strange to me; my dots are not connecting. The saddest thing, I’ve discovered is that there aren’t many programs, such as the one that comes with the weight loss surgery, set up to aid in weight loss without surgery. I have everything at my fingertip. It’s really great, except a surgical option is attached to it. I love the fact that the trainers and health education specialists know how to meet us, plus sizers, where we are physically. A trainer that I’ve worked with hasn’t had that finesse, nor covered by my insurance.

Lawd!

#stressing

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